Life as I Know it

Being an old fuck, one would think I have a wealth of perspectives to weigh in on. You know, tidbits of wisdom, experience gained, things I’ve learned along the rocky road, but the soulful truth is, I don’t know shit, ain’t learned nothing to pass along, to make your life better, easier. I’m a bit troubled by that, ‘specially when I see all these life coaches out there, spouting words of wisdom to make the lives of their audiences better. I mean, like where did I miss the boat, more so, fuck, wheres the river? Maybe it’s because I’ve never listened to anybody, cuz I’ve always thought the only voice of value was my own. ‘Cept my wife, when she speaks, I listen. Listen like she’s God handing out the ten commandments. That doesn’t mean I’m a pussy, just means I’m smart enough to admit there’s one person in existence that’s smarter than this old man. When the skid-marks hit the underwear tho’, and I think back over the course of 60 some years, from a childhood lost in the dark jungles, to losing my virginity at 14, drug addled teens, a stint in the military, raising a family, and years of toil in the blue collar workforce, I can’t help but wonder, what the fuck! Yeah, it’s been alright, might even say it’s been good, even happy good. Somethings missing though. I used to be full of wonder and awe, used to believe life held some great mysterious answers that would be revealed along the way, but the only thing that’s been revealed, is that I’m going to end up like my mom, lost in time and space, unable to recognize God and her commandments. Was a time, a few decades back, when I thought humanity was on the cusp of something great, that all or achievements listed out in that book of good thingsĀ  that humans have done, at the top of that list would be the creation of something that would bring the peoples of the world together. Turned out to be a shit show. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the Internet. Thing is, it’s taught me the one thing I do know for fact, that the only voice of value is mine. Now I don’t know if that’s closing the circle, or even if realizing that, is a good thing, but it is all I have left. Not saying I’m smarter, better than anyone, cuz I know for a fact, there’s better, smarter out there, but damn, if I can find ’em, and that’s due to a difference between value, worth, and intelligence. Kinda like knowing a cup of Starbucks coffee ain’t worth the hundred they want. Interesting too, as I read back through these weighted babbling words of whitespace, is there ain’t no vale in them. I am struck, however, by the comment I made about once being filled with wonder and awe. If anything, I’m saddened by that loss, meaning I don’t have any dreams left, and I figure that’s because dreams are for the young, not for old foolish men like me. Foolish because chasing ’em, well.., you gotta be an old one to understand.